Simple things that can open old wounds

It has been a day with high points and low points but at the end of the day I am emotionally drained.

Dinner at King's the the kids, two thumbs up!
The movie, "The Proposal", two thumbs up!

Dealing with the loss of a pet, blargh!

I have two homes and two cats, one at each. While I was down at my city home, a bizarre event happened at the country home and my cat, Mo, got out. When I returned to the country home, I searched for Mo and could not find her, only to be notified by a neighbor that he thought he had seen her lying dead on a neighborhood street. My youngest son, 12, and I went to see. We were able to confirm that it was Mo. We didn't have anything to pick her up with to take her home so we went back to get her favorite blanket and return to wrap her up. In the period of less than 10 minutes, she was gone upon our return to the scene. Someone had taken her and all we were left with was a spot on the road where she had been. We talked to the neighbors surrounding the area and were able to draw some conclusions but there was no closure.

It made me quite sad and threw me back into a mind set of having to face unanswered questions. There was no body to bury or cremate. It's as if she had just vanished and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I mentioned in my first blog, as an orphan, I am faced with many unanswered questions surrounding my birth and first year of my life. As a survivor of suicide, I am haunted with the why and still have many unanswered questions. Today's events with the disappearance of my kitty, brought all of those other memories back to the fore front. When I shed tears for the loss of Mo, I was also shedding tears for all the other losses in my life. The scars in my life created by uncontrollable events are always there. Most often those scars are invisible, lying dormant under the surface. Yet there are times like today when those wounds are ripped open once again for me to heal. On a brighter side of things, the wounds heal much quicker than they used to. Unfortunately, the scab is still there to be picked open.

To add to my weakened emotional state, there were aspects of the movie that brought the tears back. The main female character was a driven woman, all alone, yet having great control and an exterior of self confidence. As the movie progresses you learn that her parents died when she was 16 and she has been used to doing life on her own for years. Again, it reminded me of the loss that I have experienced in my life. I could relate to her independence and ease of doing life on her own. It's easier not to depend on others because then they can't abandon you or cause you pain. Like the character in the movie, I recognized that it's not so bad to feel like you belong; to be part of community or family.

It has taken my divorce to realize that I am not alone and that it's okay to depend on others. Opening yourself up to be loved is not a weakness but requires great trust. If it were not for the stubbornness of certain people around me, their willingness to not give up on me when I thought no one else cared, is what has kept me sane. I am finally starting to realize that I am worthy of being loved and it is okay to let others love me. My relationship with my parents has become much more like a parent/child relationship should be but it has taken me years and the fear of being alone after my divorce to get to that place.

I asked a friend today to let me be their buoy in the ocean of life. They don't necessarily need me when the water is shallow or calm, but when the water gets deep or rough, reach out and trust that I will be there. It brings great comfort to me to know that I have a couple life lines with buoy's attached.

At the end of the day, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day and I can make it what I want.