This is my blog from a myspace page that I had. I'm just trying to keep everything in one area.
After reading this, I feel that many of the same themes still run deep within me. Considering the date of this blog, where I was in my life at the time and where I am now, it's quite interesting.
I still believe that I am the hero of my own story and only I can determine how it will end.
Friday, July 27, 2007
We are the Heroes of our own story
As I prepare for the journey back to the motherland, not to be confused with the mothership, I pulled my old journal out. The journal from the Y2K trip. On the cover it says "We are the heroes of our own story" How true it has become for me, not that I am a hero, but I have had to face all of the darkest moments of my life alone. There have been some character players along the way, but it has been me. Only I can write the ending and determine if it's a drama, comedy, tragedy or farce.
I was recently speaking with someone about my past and how it shaped my future. "You had it much worse than I did" It's not about how bad abuse is or what type, but the impact it has on the individual, the victim. I have to admit, looking back, I've had my share of...issues. For starters I have no connection to birth family. I don't know when, where, why or how I was born. I don't know anything about the first year of my life. A big blank space. Grief and loss are two words that come to my mind. Oh and abandoned...so I guess that rejection and unwanted also cross my mind.
My adoption was, well, survivable. I am a survivor of mental, emotional and physical abuse. And also neglect (but that was probably before I was adopted and institutionalized in an orphanage somewhere). Poor self esteem, self doubt, false confidence, insecure, need to constantly be picked up and reassured. Never good enough, I can never do enough.
I am a survivor of suicide. Guilt, shame, pain, blame. All emotions that I have been through and again rejection.
Now, surviving these on an individual basis could be difficult but to survive all of them...well, in truth I'm still in the survival process. I don't ever see them consuming me like they once did, but they still lay dormant ready to be triggered at any moment.
Hmmmm, my mind has so many things going on in it right now, hard to focus on just one topic to blog about. Birth family search...should I try again, if so, how? Have I done all I can? If they are out there, why aren't they looking for me? What is my birth mother like? Was it her decision or was it made for her without her knowledge? Can I just be content with the wonderful life that I have been able to create for myself, with those other characters? What does my future hold? In the end, only I can decide that answer. I am the Hero of my own story.
