This is my blog from a myspace page that I had. I'm just trying to keep everything in one area.
After reading this, I feel that many of the same themes still run deep within me. Considering the date of this blog, where I was in my life at the time and where I am now, it's quite interesting.
I still believe that I am the hero of my own story and only I can determine how it will end.
Friday, July 27, 2007
We are the Heroes of our own story
As I prepare for the journey back to the motherland, not to be confused with the mothership, I pulled my old journal out. The journal from the Y2K trip. On the cover it says "We are the heroes of our own story" How true it has become for me, not that I am a hero, but I have had to face all of the darkest moments of my life alone. There have been some character players along the way, but it has been me. Only I can write the ending and determine if it's a drama, comedy, tragedy or farce.
I was recently speaking with someone about my past and how it shaped my future. "You had it much worse than I did" It's not about how bad abuse is or what type, but the impact it has on the individual, the victim. I have to admit, looking back, I've had my share of...issues. For starters I have no connection to birth family. I don't know when, where, why or how I was born. I don't know anything about the first year of my life. A big blank space. Grief and loss are two words that come to my mind. Oh and abandoned...so I guess that rejection and unwanted also cross my mind.
My adoption was, well, survivable. I am a survivor of mental, emotional and physical abuse. And also neglect (but that was probably before I was adopted and institutionalized in an orphanage somewhere). Poor self esteem, self doubt, false confidence, insecure, need to constantly be picked up and reassured. Never good enough, I can never do enough.
I am a survivor of suicide. Guilt, shame, pain, blame. All emotions that I have been through and again rejection.
Now, surviving these on an individual basis could be difficult but to survive all of them...well, in truth I'm still in the survival process. I don't ever see them consuming me like they once did, but they still lay dormant ready to be triggered at any moment.
Hmmmm, my mind has so many things going on in it right now, hard to focus on just one topic to blog about. Birth family search...should I try again, if so, how? Have I done all I can? If they are out there, why aren't they looking for me? What is my birth mother like? Was it her decision or was it made for her without her knowledge? Can I just be content with the wonderful life that I have been able to create for myself, with those other characters? What does my future hold? In the end, only I can decide that answer. I am the Hero of my own story.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Simple things that can open old wounds
It has been a day with high points and low points but at the end of the day I am emotionally drained.
Dinner at King's the the kids, two thumbs up!
The movie, "The Proposal", two thumbs up!
Dealing with the loss of a pet, blargh!
I have two homes and two cats, one at each. While I was down at my city home, a bizarre event happened at the country home and my cat, Mo, got out. When I returned to the country home, I searched for Mo and could not find her, only to be notified by a neighbor that he thought he had seen her lying dead on a neighborhood street. My youngest son, 12, and I went to see. We were able to confirm that it was Mo. We didn't have anything to pick her up with to take her home so we went back to get her favorite blanket and return to wrap her up. In the period of less than 10 minutes, she was gone upon our return to the scene. Someone had taken her and all we were left with was a spot on the road where she had been. We talked to the neighbors surrounding the area and were able to draw some conclusions but there was no closure.
It made me quite sad and threw me back into a mind set of having to face unanswered questions. There was no body to bury or cremate. It's as if she had just vanished and I was left to pick up the pieces.
I mentioned in my first blog, as an orphan, I am faced with many unanswered questions surrounding my birth and first year of my life. As a survivor of suicide, I am haunted with the why and still have many unanswered questions. Today's events with the disappearance of my kitty, brought all of those other memories back to the fore front. When I shed tears for the loss of Mo, I was also shedding tears for all the other losses in my life. The scars in my life created by uncontrollable events are always there. Most often those scars are invisible, lying dormant under the surface. Yet there are times like today when those wounds are ripped open once again for me to heal. On a brighter side of things, the wounds heal much quicker than they used to. Unfortunately, the scab is still there to be picked open.
To add to my weakened emotional state, there were aspects of the movie that brought the tears back. The main female character was a driven woman, all alone, yet having great control and an exterior of self confidence. As the movie progresses you learn that her parents died when she was 16 and she has been used to doing life on her own for years. Again, it reminded me of the loss that I have experienced in my life. I could relate to her independence and ease of doing life on her own. It's easier not to depend on others because then they can't abandon you or cause you pain. Like the character in the movie, I recognized that it's not so bad to feel like you belong; to be part of community or family.
It has taken my divorce to realize that I am not alone and that it's okay to depend on others. Opening yourself up to be loved is not a weakness but requires great trust. If it were not for the stubbornness of certain people around me, their willingness to not give up on me when I thought no one else cared, is what has kept me sane. I am finally starting to realize that I am worthy of being loved and it is okay to let others love me. My relationship with my parents has become much more like a parent/child relationship should be but it has taken me years and the fear of being alone after my divorce to get to that place.
I asked a friend today to let me be their buoy in the ocean of life. They don't necessarily need me when the water is shallow or calm, but when the water gets deep or rough, reach out and trust that I will be there. It brings great comfort to me to know that I have a couple life lines with buoy's attached.
At the end of the day, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day and I can make it what I want.
Dinner at King's the the kids, two thumbs up!
The movie, "The Proposal", two thumbs up!
Dealing with the loss of a pet, blargh!
I have two homes and two cats, one at each. While I was down at my city home, a bizarre event happened at the country home and my cat, Mo, got out. When I returned to the country home, I searched for Mo and could not find her, only to be notified by a neighbor that he thought he had seen her lying dead on a neighborhood street. My youngest son, 12, and I went to see. We were able to confirm that it was Mo. We didn't have anything to pick her up with to take her home so we went back to get her favorite blanket and return to wrap her up. In the period of less than 10 minutes, she was gone upon our return to the scene. Someone had taken her and all we were left with was a spot on the road where she had been. We talked to the neighbors surrounding the area and were able to draw some conclusions but there was no closure.
It made me quite sad and threw me back into a mind set of having to face unanswered questions. There was no body to bury or cremate. It's as if she had just vanished and I was left to pick up the pieces.
I mentioned in my first blog, as an orphan, I am faced with many unanswered questions surrounding my birth and first year of my life. As a survivor of suicide, I am haunted with the why and still have many unanswered questions. Today's events with the disappearance of my kitty, brought all of those other memories back to the fore front. When I shed tears for the loss of Mo, I was also shedding tears for all the other losses in my life. The scars in my life created by uncontrollable events are always there. Most often those scars are invisible, lying dormant under the surface. Yet there are times like today when those wounds are ripped open once again for me to heal. On a brighter side of things, the wounds heal much quicker than they used to. Unfortunately, the scab is still there to be picked open.
To add to my weakened emotional state, there were aspects of the movie that brought the tears back. The main female character was a driven woman, all alone, yet having great control and an exterior of self confidence. As the movie progresses you learn that her parents died when she was 16 and she has been used to doing life on her own for years. Again, it reminded me of the loss that I have experienced in my life. I could relate to her independence and ease of doing life on her own. It's easier not to depend on others because then they can't abandon you or cause you pain. Like the character in the movie, I recognized that it's not so bad to feel like you belong; to be part of community or family.
It has taken my divorce to realize that I am not alone and that it's okay to depend on others. Opening yourself up to be loved is not a weakness but requires great trust. If it were not for the stubbornness of certain people around me, their willingness to not give up on me when I thought no one else cared, is what has kept me sane. I am finally starting to realize that I am worthy of being loved and it is okay to let others love me. My relationship with my parents has become much more like a parent/child relationship should be but it has taken me years and the fear of being alone after my divorce to get to that place.
I asked a friend today to let me be their buoy in the ocean of life. They don't necessarily need me when the water is shallow or calm, but when the water gets deep or rough, reach out and trust that I will be there. It brings great comfort to me to know that I have a couple life lines with buoy's attached.
At the end of the day, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day and I can make it what I want.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The beginning
There are aspects of my life that are truly stranger than fiction. Keep tuning in and you will see. The experiences that I have had over the years are quite interesting and many others out there can relate in one way or another. Those who know the many aspects of my life have encouraged me to write a book. I once read an article in "Entertainment Weekly" that listed memoirs, biographies and personal stories. I thought for sure there was already a book out there that would cover the same topics. To my surprise, there weren't any. Yes, there were books out there about surviving suicide, emotional abuse, adoption journey's, divorce and so on, but none of them rolled into one. At that point, I found hope. The formation of the book, my story, is not clear at this point so I've decided to get bits and pieces out there and see how it all shakes out. So here it goes....
In the beginning, there is birth. I cannot tell you the exact date of my birth, where I was born, the circumstances around my conception or who my bioligical parents are. These unknown elements surrounding the beginning of my life will continue to come up throughout my blogs. Think about what you've been told about the first year of your life or better yet, the life of your own child...the first moment the hospital staff places the newborn in your arms, the pictures, the visitors, first words, first haircut. Calling friends and family and sharing the birth weight, height, head circumference and delivery details. Sometimes I ask myself...Did my birth parents do that or was I secret, a child born out of shame? Did my relatives know about my existence? Was I loved for a while and the situation dictated that I was abandoned somewhere hoping that someone would find me and take me in? So many questions. Questions that I will probably never have the answers too. Although I have searched South Korea on three occassions and accepted the fact that I will probably never have the answers, they still remain and always will. If you haven't already figured it out, I am a Korean orphan who was adopted into a family in the United States, raised in Minnesota. I am a Korean adoptee, Korean American, mother, daughter, sister, divorcee, lover, survivor of suicide, survivor of emotional abuse, mentor, employee, public speaker, motivator, mediator, paralegal.....but most of all, I am me.
I traveled a bumpy road to find the person I am today. That road had hills, pot holes, smooth curves, sharp corners, gravel, pavement, oil spills and now I found the road endless; a road that will take me anywhere I want to go. I can choose the destination, it will not longer be chosen for me. I can choose to avoid the curves, the hills, the sharp corners. I understand that there will be uavoidable ruts (this is MN), but I have a better vehicle to handle the rough roads and I have a co-pilot who shovels the snow when the drifts are too high.
My life travels include:
Growing up on a hobby farm with a purple barn, in a small, white community. I have three older siblings, all biological children of my adoptive parents.
Living with a mother who was mentally ill, emotionally abusive and eventually choose to take her own life. I was 9.
Moving to a new school, new mother (mother #3...bio, adoptive, step) and getting through high school as a geek and a minority in a little bigger white community.
Marriage at a young age and 4 fabulous kids...Living the "American Dream"
Self discovery, Adventures in Korea; Birth searching x 3. In a group, all alone, with Korean contacts and the Korean media circus too.
Embracing the Adopted Korean community and trying to find balance between being Korean and having a caucasian husband. The caucasian part doesn't really matter, it's the willingness to take the journey together.
Divorce and moving on.
The impact that being an orphan, childhood abuse and race had on my self perception.
Finding happiness and balance in all aspects of life.
I have so much to say and once I get started it's hard to stop, yet I still need to figure out where all this is going. The beginning is a great place to start. This blog is not all about adoption, or divorce, or abuse, or any one subject. The blog is here to open your mind to the world around you. There are times in my divorce when I wanted to run away from the small town because of the situation. Most of the time, I did. I finally realized that I was/am the happiest when I didn't give a crap about what others thought because man, "If they had to walk a mile in my shoes they may see things differently." Or, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." I also thought about perception vs. reality. Their perception ,based on what the local gossip was, and the reality of what really happened. I like to look at perception vs. reality on many levels. In the end, it comes down to being comfortable with who I am and telling everyone else to eff off! YAHOO! It's easy to say that right now, check me out tomorrow and see if I feel the same way
:-p
In the beginning, there is birth. I cannot tell you the exact date of my birth, where I was born, the circumstances around my conception or who my bioligical parents are. These unknown elements surrounding the beginning of my life will continue to come up throughout my blogs. Think about what you've been told about the first year of your life or better yet, the life of your own child...the first moment the hospital staff places the newborn in your arms, the pictures, the visitors, first words, first haircut. Calling friends and family and sharing the birth weight, height, head circumference and delivery details. Sometimes I ask myself...Did my birth parents do that or was I secret, a child born out of shame? Did my relatives know about my existence? Was I loved for a while and the situation dictated that I was abandoned somewhere hoping that someone would find me and take me in? So many questions. Questions that I will probably never have the answers too. Although I have searched South Korea on three occassions and accepted the fact that I will probably never have the answers, they still remain and always will. If you haven't already figured it out, I am a Korean orphan who was adopted into a family in the United States, raised in Minnesota. I am a Korean adoptee, Korean American, mother, daughter, sister, divorcee, lover, survivor of suicide, survivor of emotional abuse, mentor, employee, public speaker, motivator, mediator, paralegal.....but most of all, I am me.
I traveled a bumpy road to find the person I am today. That road had hills, pot holes, smooth curves, sharp corners, gravel, pavement, oil spills and now I found the road endless; a road that will take me anywhere I want to go. I can choose the destination, it will not longer be chosen for me. I can choose to avoid the curves, the hills, the sharp corners. I understand that there will be uavoidable ruts (this is MN), but I have a better vehicle to handle the rough roads and I have a co-pilot who shovels the snow when the drifts are too high.
My life travels include:
Growing up on a hobby farm with a purple barn, in a small, white community. I have three older siblings, all biological children of my adoptive parents.
Living with a mother who was mentally ill, emotionally abusive and eventually choose to take her own life. I was 9.
Moving to a new school, new mother (mother #3...bio, adoptive, step) and getting through high school as a geek and a minority in a little bigger white community.
Marriage at a young age and 4 fabulous kids...Living the "American Dream"
Self discovery, Adventures in Korea; Birth searching x 3. In a group, all alone, with Korean contacts and the Korean media circus too.
Embracing the Adopted Korean community and trying to find balance between being Korean and having a caucasian husband. The caucasian part doesn't really matter, it's the willingness to take the journey together.
Divorce and moving on.
The impact that being an orphan, childhood abuse and race had on my self perception.
Finding happiness and balance in all aspects of life.
I have so much to say and once I get started it's hard to stop, yet I still need to figure out where all this is going. The beginning is a great place to start. This blog is not all about adoption, or divorce, or abuse, or any one subject. The blog is here to open your mind to the world around you. There are times in my divorce when I wanted to run away from the small town because of the situation. Most of the time, I did. I finally realized that I was/am the happiest when I didn't give a crap about what others thought because man, "If they had to walk a mile in my shoes they may see things differently." Or, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." I also thought about perception vs. reality. Their perception ,based on what the local gossip was, and the reality of what really happened. I like to look at perception vs. reality on many levels. In the end, it comes down to being comfortable with who I am and telling everyone else to eff off! YAHOO! It's easy to say that right now, check me out tomorrow and see if I feel the same way
:-p
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